Two months ago, James never imagined that he was the kind of person who would lie to his girlfriend. He never thought he would find himself cheating with another girl. He never thought things would go this wrong.
“Emotions are complex,” said James, which is not his real name. “People can read certain emotions in the wrong way… they commit actions they wouldn’t dream of.”
When relationships go wrong, sometimes people cheat. As teenagers, learning how we work with others is an important part of who we are, and along the way there are often missteps. Part of developing as a teenager is forging an identity and a sense of self.
“Dating and having relationships with people is an important step as you’re developing and growing,” said school social worker Rachel Norris. “It helps you learn about yourself and what you like in other people, friendships or otherwise.”
Most high-schoolers agree that a relationship has to include mutual effort, care and respect.
“You don’t even have to be in love necessarily, but you both care about each other and do a lot for each other,” an anonymous sophomore said.
Despite good intentions, many high school relationships are doomed for failure.
“[Teenagers] are not more likely [to cheat], [but] I think that we probably hear more about it, because when we’re in school… people tell other people,” Norris said. “I think as adults they learn to hide it.”
Sometimes, people in relationships become romantically or sexually involved with other people. They cheat.
But just what constitutes cheating can vary from person to person. According to a poll conducted by The Omniscient, 88 percent of seniors and juniors agree that physical intimacy counts as cheating. Approximately 20 percent feel that texting another person is cheating, and 50 percent say that flirting with someone else is cheating.
“Cheating is when there’s another person in your life that you care about more than the person you’re with,” an anonymous senior said. “It could be sexual, but it could be kissing the other person, or it could be emotional.”
Many teenagers feel that physical intimacy is not the only form of cheating. Forty percent of upperclassmen say that lying to your partner is cheating.
“[Cheating is] if you feel the need to go behind your partner’s back,” an anonymous junior said.
On the issue of lying, there is a division between genders. In some classes, 53 percent of female respondents felt that lying to your partner was cheating, but only 50 percent of male respondents said the same. Twenty-seven percent of female respondents said texting another person was cheating, while only 11 percent of male respondents said that it was.
Even those who have cheated may be unable to describe their reasons behind cheating.
“[My boyfriend] was asking me why [I cheated] and I really couldn’t tell him why,” an anonymous senior said. “I guess [people] cheat because they’re missing that one thing, but they still love that person.”
Others have unapologetically low opinions of people who cheat.
“I think it’s really weak to not have the courage to at least end the relationship, or at least voice your feelings before you go off with someone else,” an anonymous senior said.
Finding out about infidelity often elicits a strong emotional response, but some are able to recover quickly after the initial blow.
“I was crushed for about 20 seconds,” an anonymous senior said, “but then I realized that I was the lucky one because she has to live with the guilt forever.”
Many people whose partner cheated at least partially questioned their own role in the decision.
“[After I found out that my boyfriend had cheated], I was in knots because I didn’t know what I did wrong to be betrayed like that,” an anonymous freshman said.
People who have not been cheated on can empathize with the feeling.
“I’d feel like crap, that’s for sure. I’d feel like I wasn’t as good as whoever they’re cheating on me with,” an anonymous sophomore said.
The motivations of people who have cheated vary.
“I have been cheated on, and once I found out, I cheated on him,” an anonymous freshman said. “[It] gets old when you’re with the same person for a long time; you just get used to the feeling. After I cheated on him, I felt good, and it showed me that he basically didn’t care.”
Adults seem to feel that cheating may indicate a deficit in the existing relationship.
“Maybe some need is not being met,” Norris said. “They’re not able to communicate effectively with their partners, so they perhaps find someone that they can be more fulfilled [with].”
There may be environmental factors to blame in addition to personal feelings.
“I think that what we experience in our lives… whatever you’re watching, social media, TV, friends, family… can influence what we think are normal and healthy relationships,” Norris said.
In high school, peers have a much larger role in relationships than they might with adults. According to one psychological study by Welsh, Grello and Harper, “following the normative trajectory of romantic development” is extremely important to adolescents. Teenagers often compare their relationships to the relationships of others, which can cause problems.
“I want my relationship to be better than everyone else’s,” an anonymous junior said. “Everything is a competition.”
After cheating, some felt conflicted.
“[Right after it happened] I felt a mix of emotions. [I was] on one hand, excited because I had just done something that was morally wrong,” an anonymous senior said. “On the other hand I felt like, I don’t know, I didn’t necessarily feel sad or anything, that came later, but I just felt a weird feeling in my stomach because of it.”
Some who have been unfaithful regret their decision.
“[If I could go back and do things differently] I
would have broken up with him and then I would
have kissed that dude instead of doing it while I was in a relationship,” an anonymous senior said.
A few students choose not to condemn cheaters entirely, despite never having cheated themselves.
“I don’t think that people who cheat are bad people,” an anonymous senior said. “I think that everyone makes mistakes and I’m just as likely to do it as someone else would be.”
Cheating, for some, may be a learning experience.
“I would hope that both parties would learn something from it that would help them in their future relationships,” Norris said.
Part of the learning takes place from the painful feelings that come after cheating.
“Sometimes guilt can be a good thing; it can be a motivator,” Norris said. “If they are feeling guilty about hurting their partner, perhaps that will make it so the next time they face a similar situation they will make a different decision.”
Some people who have cheated say that they feel they’ve changed.
James feels that he has learned from his experience.
“One-timers just make a terrible mistake, and if they’re mature about it they’ll learn from that and move on,” he said. “I feel like, even though I completely regret my decision, and if I could change it, I would; I feel more emotionally mature because of it.”
The take home message for cheaters?
“You’re wasting people’s time,” an anonymous senior said. “You shouldn’t have to put people through that.”
— Frances Beroset
