Every year for the past 10 years, I’ve written letters to my dad that I’d never send. Father’s Day and Christmas cards are piled in my room along with pictures of me growing up lying untouched in envelopes. I look at them every now and then and feel like a coward for never talking to him. I miss my dad, but I’ve never had the strength to forgive him for leaving me.
When I was six years old my parents divorced and my dad moved to Illinois. I never got to say goodbye, and for months I had no idea where he went. The only thing I knew was that my dad left me behind.
Out of the 10 years he’s lived upstate, I’ve only seen him for two months total. With there being 120 months within 10 years, it feels as if I don’t even know my dad. He’s a stranger to me now, and ironically, he isn’t even my friend on Facebook.
I’m 16 now, which means he’s missed a huge part of me growing up. He has missed every first day of school, sports games, birthdays, prom and performances. I am a stranger to him. He doesn’t know my laugh, my smile or any detail about me because the more I grow, the more I change.
Each year I find myself forgetting more about him. It frightens me that I can’t remember what he looks like, how he laughs or talks. Everything about my dad is vague and distant besides the few details I hold onto, like his constant need to have peanuts by his side.
His absence has had an effect on every aspect of my life. Because of the time he left 10 years ago, one of my biggest fears is abandonment. The constant thought in the back of my head is telling me every day that if my father couldn’t stay, why would anyone else? Feeling abandoned became a mental battle with myself that I’m still dealing with.
The farthest I’ve got to sending a card or letter was just sealing it closed. I was always stopped before writing his name and address because he doesn’t deserve my effort. I hold back because I resent his decision to leave me behind with no goodbye. I’ve kept the grudge for years and every attempt to fix it ended up pushing me farther back from him.
But most of all, I fear his rejection. For 10 years, I walked around feeling like my dad never wanted me as a daughter. Throwing myself out there and contacting him felt like an open invitation for him to reject me and brush me off. I don’t want that. I prefer having this mental fight with myself to having my fears confirmed.
I could never hate my dad. Through it all, he’s a figure I want back in my life, but the feeling of betrayal when he left still sticks with me.
I want to forgive him more than anything and start a new father-daughter relationship, but watching him be okay without me leaves me to think he doesn’t care.
One day, I hope to put my fears aside and send him a letter.
– By Courtney Wolfe